I wish this was a joke.

In the cinematic masterpiece, Baby Mama, Tina Fey’s character confesses that she tried to keep paper and a pen next to the bed to write down ideas that came to her when she was sleeping: “But none of it made sense. I woke up and had things like, ‘MAKE EVERYBODY BE TWINS!’ and ‘ELECTRIC TOILET’.”

Right.  Well, I can empathize.  Saturday night, I woke up around 1:00 AM from dreaming in a British accent (which I still do on occasion, even though I moved back to the U.S. 9 years ago) with what I was certain was the most brilliant, hilarious, and (for some reason) important concept ever.  My laptop happened to be next to the bed so I grabbed it, typed it all out, and went back to sleep.  What follows is the exact, unedited text—presumably with some help from IMDB (and, I’ll admit, after-the-fact spell check).  I promise you, this is actually how my mind works when I’m sleeping.

Determining One’s Masterpiece Classic Quotient
Add:
One point for
-appearing in Gosford Park
-appearing at any point in the Harry Potter film octology
-every on-screen Jane Austen adaptation (or films about Jane Austen)
-every on-screen Shakespeare adaptation
-every on-screen Dickens adaptation
-mythology-themes movie (since, for some reason the Greek pantheon seems to always speak with a British accent)
-every appearance set primarily in a boarding school
-every appearance as royalty, peerage, or a villain in an American, Canadian, or Australian film (animated films included)
-every appearance in a period drama or period drama series not on Masterpiece Classic               

Subtract:

One point for

-every appearance in a film with Hugh Grant

-appearing in Love, Actually

One half-point for

-every appearance in a film with Kiera Knightly or James McAvoy

-role in which one was required to adopt an American accent

Appearances with Colin Firth, Judy Dench,  Helen Miren, and Helena Bonham Carter, and adaptations of Oscar Wilde’s works are neutral

The incomparable Maggie Smith, for example, would have an approximate MQ of 4:
+ 1, Gosford Park
+1, Harry Potter
+1, Becoming Jane
+1, David Copperfield
+1, Clash of the Titans
+1, The Prime of Miss Jane Brodie
-1, Becoming Jane (starring James McAvoy)

Kiera Knightly would have an approximate MQ of 7 1/2:
-1/2, being Kiera Knightly
+1, Anna Karenina
+1, Pride and Prejudice
+1, Pirates of the Caribbean
+1, The Duchess
+1, Atonement
+1, King Arthur
+1, Dr. Zhivago (remake—obviously)
+1, Oliver Twist
-1, Love, Actually

*An MQ of greater than 5 means you live in Hollywood anyway, so there’s no way you’re schlepping back to the UK to make films that pay PBS budgets…unless, of course, you are Maggie Smith who (in the rage-filled words of Avery Jessup on 30 Rock) “IS A TREASURE!!!”

*3-5, You contribute to the majority of the PBS programming that does not have to do with the folk music of Mississippi or fund raising.  Chances are good you a played a member of the Weasley family.

*1-2, You are every other actor in the whole of the British Isles.

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So there you have it.  Maybe now, when you wonder why my self-editing function isn't quite as strong as it should be in terms of filtering out lame puns and unnecessarily complicated humor, you'll understand why:  It's clogged up by keeping stuff like this from flying out of my mouth.  Happy Tuesday, everyone!